true story...

So i'm sitting here in my chaise looking at the bird feeder me and mike just bought and put up(in hopes that we could attract some birds and the cats would have something to do during the day, and by something to do i don't mean eat the birds, i just mean watch them. just for some clarification.) and there is already a fucking bee stuck in it. Seriously? i don't even know how it could of gotten in there. And of course cause its a stupid bee its flying around inside trying to figure out how the hell to get out. ugh...

I probably wouldn't be so annoyed with the bug in the bird feeder if i hadn't spent the night on the couch after getting into fight with michael. Now the sleeping on the couch was my choice, mostly because i don't enjoy sleeping in the same bed as the person i'm fighting with. It doesn't help me sleep.. i would have tossed and turned.

It was a pretty stupid fight, caused by myself. I definitely overreacted. But there is a woman that Mike works with that texts him quite frequently. She usually texts him to say happy (insert a holiday name here) or ask him questions about school ect. Which Mike takes as just friendly gestures, which is fine. I'm pretty convinced though that this woman has a little bit of a crush on him, and is just trying to flirt with my boyfriend right in front of me. Ok, maybe i'm jumping to conclusions, but i like to think i know how woman work. And those little texts are usually where it starts.

Maybe i'm just being jealous, or insecure, or what have you. But the old grace inside of me still can't help it sometimes. Old grace (the one that was hard to get close too, didn't want to let people in) knows that she has put herself into a very vulnerable place. Old grace just doesn't want me to get hurt. So I create situations for myself to build up that wall again, just a little. So that if i end up getting hurt, i've already displaced myself a little, to curb some of the pain.

The part I don't understand is that I trust mike, I don't think he would ever do anything to hurt me. But i'm still having a hard time letting go completely. Thats why i let stupid little situations like this get to me. Thats why i start to feel threatened by something meaningless. That why i start a fight that should have never happened at all...

well i get there is nothing else i can do right now, but apologize...